Thursday, November 7, 2013

Seeking to Make Amends




So many of us loved OctPoWriMo  that the team, decided to create a blog for poetry prompts and challenges to have all year long at Poets on the Page. This week the prompt is Deep. We are to write whatever that means to us, whether deep relationships, deep in the whole, or just plain deep.  

The prompt took me deep in side to something that's been bothering me for quite a while.
 



Seeking to Make Amends

I should have said I’m sorry a long time ago
I should have said I can’t talk about this now
But immaturity and fear
congregated in my gut
I was too unsure of myself
Too much in the closet
Too scared about my future
Of what you might think
If I said I was gay
Scared about losing my children
Scared of their father
Just plain scared

With no explanation I bolted
Vacated our friendship
Tossed away all we’d meant and shared
Before I’d moved to California
To discover who I really was
Life and forty years flew by
Time enough to go deep inside
Dredge up un-proud memories
Pull them out and face regret
Regretting my behavior
Regretting  time lost
Without my friend.

I am so sorry.

16 comments:

  1. Annis, this is so empowering! "immaturity and fear congregated in my gut" is a feeling that is common to us all. Having the courage to apologize to someone is just as difficult as choosing to forgive. And both are powerful feelings. Wonderful job with this one!

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  2. Thanks, Amy. That prompt brought up feelings and thoughts that had been circling in my head for many weeks now. I appreciate your encouragement. xoA

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  3. Oh... Annis, when I started reading your poem my gut immediately twisted. I have needed to say I'm sorry to someone for so long and I just haven't had the courage. Thank you for having the courage to share this poem. Oh my...

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    1. Morgan, I'm glad this poem helped in some way. Isn't that a big part of what we do? Share our thoughts and feelings to comfort and inspire others and ourselves. <3 xoA

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  4. I think most of the time, most of us do regret of not speaking , saying 'Sorry', Because something holds us back to say "sorry" when we do want to say it . And when said all is calm and serene.
    'Deep' it is indeed!!

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    1. Thank you, Deepti. Getting it out here for me was the first step in putting a nagging thing to rest. Now, it's time for step 2, sending it to my friend. Thanks for your comment. xoA

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  5. Such a beautiful & powerful poem. It takes a lot of courage to write your words for all to see & even more to act on them. Thank you for the inspiration to step up & take care of something that has been hovering over my heart for years.

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    1. As I just wrote to Deepti. I'm ready for "step 2". Thank YOU for taking the time to read and and share your thoughts. xoA

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  6. Annis, your poem hit me right in the guts! You are brave. Just putting down the words is so brave. It's also beautifully written...I do hope one day your friend may have the pleasure of reading it..."You have to be brave with your life so others can be brave with theirs."

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  7. Quinn, thanks for your kind encouragement. And thanks for letting me know that my poem had an effect on you. I emailed a note of apology and this poem to my friend this afternoon.

    Brave? I don't know about that. It just happens that there comes a time when it's more agonizing to keep things inside; then you can't NOT step up.

    BTW, I love your quote. Thanks so much. xoA

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  8. "With no explanation, I bolted . . . " What an amazing, true line that says everything about the failure of courage at that time that this poem now addresses. I hope your friend does read this beautiful poem and reaches back to you.

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    1. We do just run, don't we, Beth. Sometimes it's all we know to do, all we can do. Thank you for reading and commenting. xoA

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  9. You wrote these words with such honesty! Loved it! and I so loved the title.. "Seeking to make amends.."

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    1. I thought about the title, Payal. And, it occurred to me that we can try/seek to make amends, but if the other person chooses not to accept the overture, then amends are not actually made. Thanks so much for your comments. xoA

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  10. I sometimes think my title in life should be "Queen of Avoidance." There are people in my life (one in particular) to whom I probably owe an honest conversation (and apologies on both sides methinks)...not sure I'll ever have the guts. Immaturity and fear...yep. Even years later. Powerful poem with lots of emotional impact, Annis.

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    1. Dear Anna, when you are ready, you'll take the step that will free you up from the nagging feeling of "something" hanging on, causing you pain or, at the least, discomfort. It took me quite awhile, but now that it has come, I wonder why I waited so long. The answer IS guts -- wanting to get rid of that feeling in my gut.

      With no expectations, I sent this poem to the person for whom I wrote it. I am happy to say that we are beginning to communicate.

      Thank you for reading and for your kind and encouraging words.

      Peace.
      xoAnnis

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